The NJ Environmentalist Manifesto


 		     T H E   N E W   J E R S E Y
 	 E N V I R O N M E N T A L I S T    M A N I F E S T O
The following Eight Point Manifesto has been developed by the environmentalists of New Jersey to help maintain the quality of life here in the Garden Apartment State. Due to our constant vigilance and deep concern, we no longer have problems like the endangerment of the Spotted Owl and the Salmon. In fact, we don't have any birds or fish to give us problems at all. New residents should memorize this Manifesto and put it into practice in their daily lives.

 1. Litter:	The New Jersey Environmentalist throws it out his car
 		window, whereupon it becomes someone else's problem.
 		(And who cares about them, anyway?) After all, you'd
 		have to _walk_ (EECH!) to get to a trash can.

 2. Open Space: Found inside malls. The really big ones, of course.
 		Building malls is a good way to conserve space that
 		would otherwise go to waste in some useless woods or

 3. Fresh Air:	Comes from central air conditioning. Best if kept at
 		64 degrees F or below. It's normal to wear sweaters in
		the middle of a heat wave. The New Jersey
 		Environmentalist keeps all windows tightly closed at
 		all times, so that the Fresh Air is not contaminated
 		by anything from The Outdoors (see below.)

 4. The Outdoors:
		This is the space you have to _walk_ through (EECH!)
 		to get from the air-conditioned buildings to the
 		air-conditioned car. That is, unless the car is in an
 		air-conditioned parking deck. The true New Jersey
 		Environmentalist supports the latter, because then
 		he's always inside in the Fresh Air.

 5. Plants:	The New Jersey Environmentalist realizes the need for
 		plants. Plants have two uses, depending on their size.
 		The little ones are useful for spraying with ChemLawn.
 		(Make sure your children stay inside in the Fresh Air
 		after you have done this.) The big ones (i.e. trees)
 		should be cut down to make room for more strip malls,
 		to conserve Open Space.

 6. Energy:	The New Jersey Environmentalist conserves his energy
 		by driving everywhere he has to go, and many places he
 		doesn't. Otherwise, he'd have to _walk_ (EECH!) to get
 		places. It's dangerous walking in The Outdoors,
 		because there are so many cars there. The bigger your
 		car is, the better, because there's more Open Space
 		and Fresh Air inside.

 7. Recycling:	Why bother? Nobody else does. New Jersey residents
 		don't want a bottle bill, because it would
 		inconvenience everybody and result in over six layoffs
 		in the bottle industry around Glassboro. The New Jersey
 		Environmentalist recycles his garbage, old tires, and
 		dead refrigerators by converting them into Litter (see

 8. Wetlands:	This usually means the Shore, where they've gotten rid
 		of a lot of yucky marshes to build beautiful condos
 		and strip malls. Every Friday, the New Jersey
 		Environmentalist joins the traffic jam on the way to
 		the Shore, so that he can have more time in the Fresh
 		Air inside his car. He does the same thing on Sunday,
 		but this time in the opposite direction. Once at the
 		Shore, the New Jersey Environmentalist NEVER goes
 		Outdoors, since the Freon from the air conditioners has
 		destroyed the ozone layer and he'd get skin cancer.

 		If you must go outside, remember that the proper way to
 		enjoy the environment is to do so on one square yard
 		of sand, along with half a million other New Jersey
 		Environmentalists and their boom boxes. Watch out for
 		the syringes, and maybe you can collect a few New
 		Jersey Beach Whistles (Discarded tampon applicators).

BACK TO *********************************************************************